Sentinel, Too, Part 2 missing scene. HATE the beginning scene in the hospital. I know they're not girls, but -- PLEASE! Flirting with nurses? Back rent? I'm thinking TS was canceled because they were trying too hard to avoid emotional scenes. So here's my contribution to the 'fix Sentinel Too' club. Thanks to Shallan, the punctuation police and her encouragement. TS by BS didn't happen in this universe. Italic denotes memories.
Java Head
No.
Jim...
Please
Chest hurts
Jim.
Where are you...
Help me.
I can't see.
...can't breathe.
Please.
...help.
It's over.
Over.
No. Please.
What did you do?
I lost track of my friend.
I'm sorry.
I need a partner I can trust.
Sorry.
I just need you out of here by the time I get back.
Don't go.
This isn't over.
You know where to find me.
Find me.
Jim. I'm lost.
I lost him.
Sorry. So sorry. I'm sorry, Jim. I'm sorry. I betrayed you. I didn't mean to, but I did and I'm sorry. Only it's too late. Jim hates me and he made me leave.
And I can't live without Jim anymore. Alex killed me because he sent me away, but it was my fault. I kept them a secret from each other. What was I thinking?
I wasn't thinking! I was acting on scientific instinct. Treating him like an experiment.
Lab rat.
Jim. I'm sorry.
I lost track of my friend.
I lost him.
I need you out of here.
Please, Jim. Please. I'm sorry. But it's too late. It's over and I can't live without you. I betrayed you and you don't want me anymore.
I'm sorry.
sorry.
Soft blackness fades to gray. My chest hurts and my lungs feel full of...
no. don't.
Where am I?
It's cold. I hear a machine beeping. I can't open my eyes.
"Sandburg?"
A deep, kind voice. Not the one I wanted, but a good, familiar voice.
"Sandburg. Can you open your eyes?"
Can't. Where's Jim? No, Jim's not here. I betrayed him. He trusted me and I betrayed him. I'm sorry, Jim. The blackness creeps back and I welcome it.
The gray slowly returns, but it's darker than before. Must be night time. I think I'm in the hospital. I'm not cold anymore. Jim must have put another blanket over me.
Jim!
I gasp. No! I don't want to be here! I can't face him! I'm sorry, Jim. I'm sorry...
"Chief!" his voice quiet, strained; his hand on my arm.
I painfully open my eyes and see him bent over me. Tears sting my eyes and I turn away from him. "No..." I whisper.
"Blair... please."
"...sorry...sorry..." my voice cracks. Pain fills me and I can't stop my tears.
His hands cup my face, thumbs gently wipe the tears away.
"Sorry, Chief? For what?" he whispers.
I want to pull away but I'm too weak. "...betrayed you. ...so sorry."
"Ah, Chief, no..." He lets his head drop forward, his forehead almost touching mine, his hands still holding my face. The tears are back.
It hurts so much for my Sentinel to be this close to me, to be so kind and caring, so worried about me after I...
"...betrayed you."
"No, Chief. You didn't..."
"I did."
"You didn't mean..."
"But I did!" I cry weakly. "I screwed up."
"No, Blair." He lifts his head to look at me. "I'm the one who screwed up." His face is filled with pain. "I shouldn't have left you... left you alone." His hands drop to my shoulders. For the first time I let myself look in his eyes.
"Jim..."
He puts his hand on my forehead. "It's okay, Blair. You need to rest now."
"Jim, please..." I whisper.
"What, Chief?"
"Please forgive me," my voice trembles.
He closes his eyes. "Chief, there's nothing to..."
"Please," I beg weakly.
"Alright," he says hoarsely. "I forgive you."
"Thank you," I say. Then the blackness claims me again.
Forgive me.
I'm sitting beside Sandburg's bed, with my head in my hands. I thank God that he's not awake to watch me fall apart.
Please forgive me.
How can he beg me to forgive him? After all the crap I did to him, he feels guilty. Insisting it was his fault that Alex killed him. I don't know why I threw him out of the loft. Our home.
Alex's presence screwed up my thinking.
I was acting purely on Sentinel instinct.
Being territorial.
Needing space.
Bull. Yeah, I'm a Sentinel. Yeah, I'm instinctive and reactive. But I'm a man! Not an animal. I didn't even try to resist. To figure it out.
Part of me always enjoyed letting that instinctive, reactive side of myself intimidate people. Hurt them. Even Blair. Especially Blair.
God forgive me, so much of the time I wanted to hurt him. I don't know why. Maybe because he know my secrets, my weaknesses. But it doesn't matter why. It just matters that I hurt him.
All he ever wanted was to help me. To love me and be my friend. My brother.
But I threw him out. I left him alone. Vulnerable and unprotected. I knew Alex was dangerous and that she had gotten close to Blair. He knew all about her, for crying out loud! But I was so full of arrogance and anger toward him that I never considered she'd go after him. And she killed him. And he blames himself.
What have I done?
What did you do?
I lost track of my friend
I lost him.
Almost for good.
Almost couldn't get him back.
In my despair, I grasp his hand. "Chief, I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Please give me another chance. I don't deserve it, but please forgive me. Please don't leave me!" I bury my face in my arms, as though to hide from my emotions.
I'm awake again. Sort of. At least now I know where I am. And Jim's here. I feel his head resting beside me. I think he's asleep. I think he may have been crying. Or trying not to. That really shakes me. Jim Ellison doesn't cry. He just gets colder and harder.
He thinks Alex killing me is his fault. I'm really glad he's not mad at me any more and that he wants me back. How dull and unbearable my life would be without Jim.
I guess part of the Alex mess is his responsibility. But it's mine too. And I started it. After all these years of knowing him and studying him, I should have known how deeply he would feel my act of betrayal. And it started a chain reaction that we couldn't seem to stop.
Jim, I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get past this.
I need a partner I can trust.
You know where to find me.
But Alex found me first.
Fear and panic pour into me. I can't stop the memories. The familiar sting of tears returns.
What did you do?
Stop. Please.
I clench my hands before I realize Jim is holding my left one. His grip tightens as he lifts his head. He looks so tired. I realize he's in as much pain as I am. Time heals all wounds. Dear God, I hope so. We can't continue living with this much pain.
"Chief! You alright?"
"Jim. Sorry I woke you. I... I'm okay."
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing. Just... remembering... before..." I can't continue.
"I know, Chief. It's okay."
"Jim," I falter, unsure, afraid. "We gotta..."
He interrupts me. "You're right, Blair. We have to talk...deal with this. Just... give me a minute."
"...Jim..." I whisper, laying my right hand on his bowed head. "I'm sorry-"
He looks at me, angry. "Don't start with that again, Sandburg! I'm the one who's sorry."
"Jim, this all started with me."
"No."
"Yes! I was so excited over finding another sentinel, I wasn't thinking straight. I forgot about... us. Then I kept the two of you a secret from each other! I should have told you." Bitterness and regret fill me.
"You tried to tell me."
"Once! Since when did I give up trying to tell you something? Huh?"
"I threw you out, Chief. I left you alone, unprotected. I was mad at you. Jealous. So I pushed you out of my life. She went after you and I wasn't there to protect you. If you'd been with me where you belong, she wouldn't have... wouldn't have..."
"...killed me." I finish quietly.
Pain passes over his face and he rubs his tired eyes. "Yeah," he whispers.
I lay my hand on the back of his neck. We sit silently for a moment.
"Jim," I say softly. "Help me sit up, please."
Standing up, he puts one arm behind my back as he curves his other arm around to grip my arm and helps pull me into a sitting position. He doesn't let me go right away. I rest against him, drawing strength from him and from the assurance that we're going to get through this. I wonder, does he know how much he means to me? How much I need him in my life? I guess maybe I should tell him.
Finally, he releases me, gently easing me back into the softness of the pillows he arranged to support me. His fingers lightly brush the hair out of my face before he sits back down.
Tentatively I glance at him. He is so often embarrassed by his emotions, but today he doesn't try to hide them from me. The pain and guilt are still there. And the worry. I also see tenderness and love. I wonder about my father. Had I known him, is this how he would have looked at me? I often feel that Jim and I have this 'brother' thing going. Maybe that's why things get so screwy between us sometimes. The good times can get so bad so fast that it makes me wonder what the heck happened.
"Jim."
He looks at me.
"I know you already forgave me, but you still don't think I did anything wrong."
"No, I don't."
"But you did before."
"What do yo mean?"
"After I told you that Alex was a sentinel. You said you didn't... trust me."
"Come on, Chief. I didn't mean... didn't know-"
"Yes, you did, Jim." I cut him off. I have to get him to listen to me! "You felt my betrayal so deeply that you felt you couldn't trust me anymore!"
He leans back in the chair, elbow on the arm rest, head leaning on his open palm, as though too tired to hold himself up. "I was wrong, Chief. I was so wrong," he says miserably.
"No you weren't, Jim! You were right to be angry with me. Even to feel you couldn't trust me. I've always kept your secrets, but sometimes I do treat you like a lab rat. Testing you for my scientific curiosity, not for your own good.
"You always gave me your trust and even a lot of control over your personal life, but because of 'scientific enthusiasm', I think you harbor a small amount of doubt whether I could be trusted completely. You wonder if I would betray you for science." I realize my voice has dropped to a whisper and I stop speaking to gather my courage to finish.
I look away from him and take a deep breath, then continue, "And when Alex came along, I did just that. Because I forgot that the 'Sentinel Thing' wasn't about Sentinels. It's about us. You and me. Jim and Blair. Sentinel and Guide. Friend to friend." I swallow hard. Dare I say it? "Brother to... brother."
I can't continue. I'm too overcome with shame that I could possibly forget this. I drop my head and cover my eyes with my hand. I feel Jim put his hand on my shoulder. It's trembling.
"I'm right, aren't I, Jim?" I whisper. He doesn't answer.
I pull myself together and grab both his arms to make him look at me. "Jim, we've gotta be completely straightforward and honest about this! Soft pedaling this stuff gets us into trouble every time! It almost destroyed us this time!
"Listen to me, Jim! You have got to face this! Tell me the truth. Did you feel I had betrayed you?"
His eyes angry and pain-filled, finally look into mine. "Yes."
"Did you feel I couldn't be trusted anymore?"
I could see his eyes begging me not to make him do this.
"Please answer me, Jim."
"Why, Blair? What does it matter? It got you killed and now it's over!"
"Because, if you don't admit it, you can't forgive me, and it'll still be there. And you'll push me away again." I release his arms and fall back against the pillows. "Jim, I need for you to forgive me. I know I was wrong and stupid. I need for you to admit it and forgive me because I can't go through being separated from you again. I don't even want to try."
I look at him for a moment. I can't think straight. I hate myself for what I've done to him. The horror of what happened -- how close I was to losing him forever... the realization that if he'd died it would have been my fault -- ALL my fault...
I pull my clenched fists away from him and rest my forehead on them. My heart is as tightly clenched as my fists and I can barely speak. I force the words past the strained muscles of my throat. It hurts so much to talk. I'd rather turn and run from the room -- run from Blair. But that's what started all this, isn't it? A vicious cycle. A cycle of hurting and hiding. I've run from everyone else. Lost Stephen. Lost Carolyn. All because I wouldn't make myself talk. Refused to talk and then to forgive when they'd hurt me. And refused to take responsibility for when I'd hurt them. I can't lose him! Not Blair. He'd brought me back from the brink of despair and insanity. I won't lose him. Not this time! Talk, dammit!
The words at first are so low and tortured that I can barely understand him. They hurt him so much that I want to stop him. Tell him it's okay, Jim. I understand. That we don't have to talk about it. But we need to. He needs to. I don't want him to hurt anymore! But we have to. He has to! I pull my own fists in toward me to keep from touching him and stopping him.
"I was mad... so mad, Blair. I could smell her on you. I felt like... like you'd- " He emits a bitter hoarse chuckle. "-Like you'd cheated on me." He takes a deep, shaky breath and looks at me. "All your tests -- they were good. Good for me. Stretched me. Taught me control. Taught me my limits. Showed me what was dangerous for me. But I didn't trust them." He drops his eyes again. "Didn't trust you, Chief. You seemed to enjoy testing me. Seemed to get a kick out of my discomfort. Thought it was funny."
"Jim. Aw man, Jim. I'm sorry. I didn't -- I really didn't mean to. I was fascinated by you. I thought you -- all that you could do -- was so great -- so cool." I bite my bottom lip hard. Afraid. I'm so afraid to tell him. To be honest with him. Oh, dear God, how he must have hated me sometimes. "I guess I did. Sometimes. I thought you were so impatient. Such a control freak that you couldn't let down your guard once in awhile to cooperate with the tests." I can't believe I was so unfeeling. 'Mr Sensitivity'. What a bunch of crap! Laughing at my Best Friend! Laughing at MY SENTINEL!
I realize I've stopped talking and the silence in the room has become stark and solid. Unaware that I've even closed them, I again open my tightly clenched eyes. And breathe. Blinking for a second, I'm startled to find myself looking up into Jim's worried eyes.
"Chief?" He sounds scared.
Hesitantly, I reach out toward him. "Jim," I whisper. "Oh, Jim." My voice is louder, sounding panicked in my ears. "Oh Jim, I LAUGHED at you!"
He doesn't move. He's still scared, but waiting.
My hand makes contact and I grab a handful of his collar. "Jim, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I... Jim, how could I? How could I?" Then I start to shake. I can feel my face turning red. Shame. Oh Jim, I'm sorry.
I feel myself being pulled in close and tight to him and he wraps his arms around my back and hangs on for all he's worth. I'd reciprocate, but my arms are trapped against his chest and that's okay. Because I can finally feel all the wrongness starting to break up and drift away. Not completely. We still need to talk. Discuss. Iron it all out. But it's begun. The first steps are often the hardest and we've gotten past those.
It was so easy for Jim to feel betrayed over Alex because I'd never really had his trust in the first place. I'd laughed at him. I'd made light of his pain. I hadn't understood.
Remembering my shame brings forth fresh tears and I'm unprepared to hold them back. The warm drops soak into Jim's neck and seem to start a flood of his own.
We hold onto each other and cry softly. God, please don't let anyone come in here right now. Please don't interrupt us. We need this. This connection forged of exhausted and raw emotions.
We're gonna be okay. Thank you, God. We're gonna be okay.
The End