Hey guys, long time no see *G*, and the first time for me writing under my new name. I started this story the night after Love Kills originally aired. But that was before my get up and go got up and went and took the muses with it *G*. Well the muses have finally returned (thank you Dawn Witherspoon for giving me back my muses, even if ya did take the to New Orleans *G*) and I've got no less than 4 stories in the works. Any way on to the acknowledgements.
I'd like to thank Becky B and TAE for their Beta help and Suzie B for being such a scootch *G*. For my little sis "Yes they hug", if ya listen ya can hear her in the background chanting "HUG HUG HUG" *G*, so I felt I had to comply *G*. And now I should shut up before this is longer than the story.
Oh yeah, the disclaimer thingy. I don't own them, wish I did and BTW my B-Day is August 22nd if anyone thinks they can arrange it *VBEG*.
Jen
Eagle Eye
"No Lila, Don't!" Jim thought as he focused his hearing on finding the sound of her breathing, the beating of her heart. Jim winced at their shallowness as he finally detected the quickly fading sounds.
"No damnit, you can't die. Don't you leave me again! Please." Jim pleaded, as though the force of his will alone were enough to repair the damage the bullet had done to the woman he loves.
But damage had been done and not even the indomitable Ellison will could undo the deed. So instead he just held on a little tighter and pulled her a little closer, all the while using his Sentinel hearing to keep her with him, as close as possible, as other forces beyond his control pulled her away.
Jim gasped, "NO!" as he heard her heart stop, then clutched her to his chest and began rocking, shutting out the world around him while his grief anchored him, protecting him as would his own Guide, from a zone out. Still, Jim didn't hear the sirens as they approached, or the pounding footsteps and commanding shouts of his captain barking out orders as he secured the area. So focused in his grief and the rocking of his world, he didn't feel the presence that quietly knelt down beside him or the hand laid gently on his neck, lightly squeezing in offered comfort and understanding.
Jim didn't make note of any of this as he sat in the street gently rocking his love, straining his Sentinel abilities, as his heart listened for a sound his head knew he would never hear again.
'Lord, this has been a LOOONG day,' Blair groaned as he entered the loft and dropped his pack on the sofa. Then he turned to throw his keys into the basket. Blair stopped in mid throw as he saw there was already a set of keys resting there resting in the basket.
'Huh, Jim's home,' he thought as he scanned the loft for his partner. He groaned again when he caught sight of his friend sitting out on the balcony, staring out over the city.
"Okay, this has GOT to stop," he muttered as he went into the kitchen and pulled a soda from the fridge. "I wanted to give him some time, I know he loved her but it's been two weeks. He's gotta stop letting this eat at him and start letting it go before it starts to affect his work or worse his health." Blair finished his muttering and turned towards the balcony as he went over the last two weeks in his mind.
Blair knew that he would be unable to forget the events of two weeks ago for a long time, if ever. The image of Jim sitting in the street holding the dead Lila in his arms, gently rocking her in his own little world oblivious to the one around him, was permanently seared into his memory. When Jim did finally acknowledge the outside world it had been bad, worse than bad. Blair shuddered, remembering the sight and the small tremors coursing through Jim's body and into the hand that Blair had laid on his shoulder, in hopes of offering some small measure of comfort to his grief-stricken friend. Blair couldn't remember a time when he had seen Jim that upset. Not even the murder of Danny Choi had affected his Sentinel this way. It was as though he'd given away a small part of himself when he finally relinquished his hold on Lila and allowed the paramedics to take her away. Blair had been unable to prevent his body from flinching at the sight of Jim as he'd turned towards him. This was a different Jim Ellison than the one who had joked with him this morning over breakfast. The hardness of the jaw as he ground abused teeth into nothing. The coldness of the blue eyes that this morning had almost sparkled in merriment. Blair had stood there helplessly and watched as the "Impenetrable Ellison Wall" went up behind his eyes, locking out the emotional world around him. That wall had been up for the last two weeks keeping even him out of his best friend's heart.
'This has got to stop,' Blair thought as he tossed his now empty can into the trash. 'I wanted to give you some time Jim, but it's been two weeks now and I'm getting worried. Hell, even Simon is getting worried, glancing out through the blinds in his office to watch you in the bullpen from time to time when he thought no one else was watching. I knew it would take time before you could open up about the loss of the woman who you yourself said might be THE ONE. Well, you're obviously not going to take the first step towards healing on your own so I'm just going to have to "nudge" you in the right direction.'
'Oh Boy, this is not going to be fun, this is SO not going to be fun,' Blair thought as he squared his shoulders and moved towards the balcony, mentally preparing himself for the "Jim Ellison Two Step".
Blair went to the fridge and got out a beer then crossed to the balcony and stepped through the open doors, plopping down into a chair next to Jim. Wordlessly Blair reached across himself offering the beer, which Jim took, opened, and drank a long draught of, eyes never leaving their silent search of the city. Neither man moved or spoke for several minutes then Jim looked over at Blair and the younger man shifted in his seat.
"Don't you have some papers to grade or something, Sandburg?" Jim asked crossly as he returned his gaze to the city before them.
"Nah, term papers aren't due until next week and I'm giving an exam tomorrow, so I'm free." Blair answered cheerfully.
"How about something to study for, a paper coming up?"
"Nah, I...."
"I don't want to talk Sandburg!" Jim growled as he slugged back the remaining beer.
"Jim, I didn't say a word."
"You didn't have to, I could see it in your face. You've got the 'let's sit here and make Jim talk to me' face on."
"But Jim I........"
"I don't want to talk, Sandburg, I just want to be left alone. I.."
"NO Jim," Blair interjected, "I think I've left you alone long enough. I've left you alone and not made you talk to me and it hasn't gotten us anywhere. There's something wrong and it's been eating at you for the better part of two weeks. Come on man, just talk to me and let me help."
Jim frowned, "Sandburg, I'm not as good at this touchy feely stuff as you are."
"This has nothing to do with touchy feely stuff, this is about what's healthy and healing." Blair stopped and sighed, shifting his gaze from Jim to look out over the city while dropping his voice into the Guide tone that worked so well. "Jim, keeping this stuff walled up inside of you is like SO not healthy man. I've been trying to help you and trying to give you some space too, but nothing is changing. I'm doing the best I can to help but.....Please Jim, let me help."
Jim looked over at Blair, saw the look on his friend's face and realized that talking to his friend might help. Jim sighed and his shoulders slumped a little, as though the weight of actually thinking about what was wrong was giving his thoughts physical mass.
"I don't know, Chief," Jim began. "I just feel like I could've, should've, done more."
"You did your best, Jim, you did everything you could," Blair paused as Jim began to shake his head.
"Yes, Jim, you did," Blair insisted. "You loved her, man; while she was with you, you loved her. Anything and everything else was beyond your control. Some very powerful, very bad people took a frightened little girl and made her into what they wanted, what they needed. You took a frightened young woman and helped her become what she wanted, what she needed. She was a grown woman, Jim, an adult. You could only do what Lila would let you do. You need to let this go, man, and remember the good stuff. Whatever else happened, whatever else she was or did, in the end she loved you."
Jim sat there quietly while Blair finished, his gaze still out over the city. He turned and looked once into Blair's eyes, then returned his gaze to the city as he mumbled something Blair couldn't quite hear, a shudder racking his body.
"What did you say, Jim?"
"But what if my best isn't good enough?" Jim whispered Sentinel soft.
"What? Come on, Jim, you're the only one with enhanced hearing here."
Jim looked over at Blair again.
"What if my best isn't good enough? What do I do, what happens when one day my best isn't good enough for you?"
"Come on, Jim, your best will always be good enough for me."
"It wasn't for my men in Peru, or Danny, or Incacha, or..." Jim stopped and turned back towards the city, then took a ragged breath before continuing. "My best wasn't good enough for Lila; what happens when one day my best isn't good enough for you and you die too? I can't do this anymore without you; I couldn't take it if you died too, Chief."
"Jim, I can't promise you that I'll never die; life is too uncertain, too unpredictable for that. But I can promise you this. It will NEVER be because your best wasn't good enough. Your best will ALWAYS be good enough for me. Do you know why?"
Blair waited a second and when he didn't receive an answer, he got up from his seat and moved in front of Jim, and reaching down put one hand on his shoulder and squeezing lightly.
"Do you know why, Jim?" Blair repeated softly as Jim looked up at him. "Because when something is important enough for you to be giving it your best, all you need to do is look beside you and you'll see me there giving it my best too. When we work together man..." Blair paused again as he squeezed Jim's shoulder again.
"There's no stopping a Sentinel and his Guide, Big Guy, we've already proven that one." Blair finished with a smile.
Jim looked at Blair, then at the hand still resting on his shoulder and reached up to squeeze it. "I wish I could believe that, Chief, I really do."
"Then believe it, Jim," Blair said as he placed his free hand on Jim's other shoulder. "Let the hurt go and believe it. If you can't do that then just believe in me; I have enough faith for the both of us. I'm your partner man, your Guide, your friend, and I won't let you down. When we work together the best is what you get and more than enough."
Jim looked at Blair and he saw the belief, the trust, the faith in his eyes and he relaxed. As Blair moved his arms and pulled Jim into an embrace, the first tear slowly rolled down the Sentinel's face and the wall came down. Jim stood up and his arms engulfed his Guide as he let the pain and the fear that he'd walled up inside him flow out through the tears that were soaking Blair's head.
They stayed that way, Blair rubbing soothing circles on Jim's back and Jim holding on for dear life, waiting for the tears to stop. Jim stood there letting the pain and uncertainty go as his Guide's soft curls caressed the skin of his face. He just held onto his anchor while his heart broke into a million pieces and formed again, beating in time with the precious heart of his friend.
"Hey, Jim," Blair said, as he moved back to look up into his Sentinel's face. "How about we get some take out. I'm getting a little hungry here, Big Guy."
Jim smiled as his stomach grumbled in agreement.
"Sure, Chief," he said as he started moving towards the loft, bringing Blair with him and not relinquishing his hold. "But since it's my night to cook, I get to pick the place."
"URGHH," Blair groaned as he and Jim put on their jackets and moved towards the loft door. "Wonder Burger here we come. Jim, can you please pick some place with at least one healthy item on the menu?"
"Come on Blair, they have a nice side salad on the menu and the bottled water is healthy too." Jim chuckled as Blair groaned louder.
"'Sides, I'm kinda in the mood to try that new Thai place that's opened up near the station Rafe was raving about the other day."
"COOL" Blair agreed as he bounced through the door. "Then you can try and tell me what they put in their rice, I had some of Brown's and I can't place the flavor."
"SANDBURG....."
Sentinel and Guide left the loft arm in arm, together, as it should be.