This little is just a short piece that I felt was needed to help move Jim and Blair more smoothly into their new lives. After watching the interaction of the guys in the season finale (this is what I expected to happen and was glad to see), and seeing some of the bitter epilogues that have been written so far, I felt that I needed to create a bridge. Mainly to bring in Megan's knowledge of Jim's abilities but mostly to connect what I have written so far to where I'm wanting my next pieces to go. Though it would be a very private thing, I feel that Jim and Blair would have a conversation something like this between them.
There are some spoilers here for several shows: Cypher, Flight, Love and Guns, Second Chance, Rogue, Survivor, Warriors, Sentinel, Too and of course The Sentinel by Blair Sandburg. If I've missed any, forgive me. Sometimes episode titles tend to escape my brain.
Standard disclaimers apply with this as it has with my other stories. I wouldn't mind having even the smallest amount of ownership of the guys but fate isn't that kind with me. Any comments and positive criticisms can be sent to me at shallan@mho.net
Hope you enjoy my little snippet and will be patient for the ones that will follow. Shouldn't take too long since the new direction given to us has been stirring up several ideas.
Shallan
There they all go, black gowns with purple and gold stoles and those funny caps with the square top and swinging tassel. They all look so happy and excited that their time in the academic world is over but scared that they now have to travel out into the 'real' world and learn how to survive. I was supposed to be with them today; 'was' being the operative word. God, what happened to destroy the plans I had made for my future?
When I look back over my life, I realize that a lot had happened at the oddest moments to present me with the most frightening choices. Over ten years ago I found a little read, obscure manuscript by a rather famous explorer. It was one of those rare times that I actually had time to look for any other type of book besides what I was studying. But there I was, in the Rainier University library, wandering around looking for a book to clear my mind after the argument I recently had with my advisor. Maybe I was supposed to get lost back in the stacks so that my curiosity could be aroused by the dusty volume that was sticking out on the shelf. Fate is something that I've learned never to question. But the moment I opened that book and saw that picture of the native watchman, the sentinel, I felt that I had found the path that my life was to travel. That was the first, most important choice I made that started the change in my life's direction.
The tug that I felt on my soul after reading about sentinels had been so strong that I immediately started searching for other books on the subject. It hadn't been easy but then it wasn't entirely difficult either. Sir Richard Burton's work on sentinels had been discounted as just tribal legends and then forgotten. Other explorers and anthropologists had made references to his work but no real study had been made after Burton had published 'that' manuscript. I later found that my Master's Thesis had been the first paper published in decades concerning sentinels.
My Master's Thesis. There have been times that I wish that my committee had never accepted the topic for the damn thing. Had they made me work harder for it to be accepted or even completely denied the ideas I had presented, I probably wouldn't be sitting up here on the hill behind the football field watching the graduation ceremonies. No, I probably would have graduated with my doctorate a few years ago. Of course, the passion I had felt for that paper, the one I did on sentinels, might not have been there with any other topic. But they accepted the topic with little argument and my defending of it had been noted as the quickest in the history of Rainier. Little did I know it would come back to haunt me when least expected.
In the field of Anthropology, you have to find a mentor with lots of authority and unquestionable credentials when you want to do your doctoral thesis on an obscure topic with little chance of acceptance. But fate stepped in again and Dr. Eli Stoddard accepted my phone call for a meeting. When we got together, he listened carefully to my theory and asked for a copy of my earlier thesis. Two weeks later, his secretary called to tell me that Dr. Stoddard would like for me to be on his team and to be packed to leave on his next expedition. That was the second most important choice I made to change the course of my life. Because of that acceptance and recognition, no one stopped me from pursuing my dream of finding an actual sentinel.
Almost four years ago, fate stepped in again. Like King Arthur finding Excalibur, I found my sentinel in the most unlikely place possible. I had expected to find him, her, who ever during one of the many expeditions into the jungles and wilds of those countries whose names took lots of practice to pronounce. But no, he showed up at Cascade General Hospital asking for help for a problem he was having with his senses: Detective James Ellison, former Army Ranger and member of a Special Forces group, trained in covert operations and now with the Major Crimes division of the Cascade Police Department. Man! If I only knew then what I know now I might not have raced to the hospital, 'borrowed' the lab coat and impersonated a doctor just to meet him. No, that's not right. Who am I fooling with this line of crap? Even knowing exactly what would happen to me over the next few years, I still would have done it all the same way. Well, maybe not all of it.
There would have been a few changes. I wouldn't have just gone home after I thought I had seen David Lash watching me at the U. I knew that Jim was at the precinct gym and I would have peddled my little butt over there and waited until he was ready to leave. That would have saved me from the terror that actually did occur, the eventual screaming myself awake from the frequent nightmares that had plagued my sleep and the many days of speaking with the police psychologist.
And I wouldn't have let my temper and stubborn attitude about how I felt about Maya blind me to the realities of not one but two incidents that almost got me killed. Or the time I forced Jim into taking him with me to find Simon when he had been taken by Quinn and the other time when both Simon and Daryl were lost in Peru. Jim fought me both times when I said I was going with him and I now see that I was na‹ve, not prepared to handle either situation in the capacity that I should have. There are a lot of things that would have happened differently.
Alex Barnes. I definitely would have changed how I met and handled her. She's the one time that my enthusiasm towards sentinels almost got me killed. Hell, she did kill me and I never want to go through anything like that again. Why was I so stupid to miss all of the warning signs that Jim was displaying? Why didn't I stand up for myself and yell back at him at the precinct when he said that he didn't trust me? Sure, he blusters and yells and is really good at saying things that make you feel like you're worthless. But that's just his defense mechanism against the fear I know he carries and tries to prevent the world from seeing. I stood up against him and made him listen to me about accepting back his sentinel abilities when Incacha died on our couch. Why didn't I do that when he threw me out of the loft?
But that led to one of the easiest choices I had to make. When Incacha first made me Jim's Shaman, I was scared. Well, it was more like being freaking terrified. This guy's dying on our couch. All of the sudden he grabs my arm with his bloodied hand and tells Jim that he passes on to me the way of the shaman. I didn't know what that meant until I was 'met' by him on the other side after Alex killed me. I was ready to give up and move onto the next world and whatever it offered. But Jim wouldn't give up on me and, after talking to Incacha, I just couldn't give up on him. Choices. It has all happened because of the choices I've made and some that I wasn't willing to make.
Now, because of my latest choice, I'm sitting up here watching the graduation ceremony that I at one time would have been a participant. I don't blame Naomi for any of it. She has always tried to do things that she thought were for the best for me. How could she have known that the idiot she sent my thesis to for advice would leak Jim's abilities to the press? The fallout that happened blew his opportunity to catch the assassin, the Iceman, when he was standing only a few feet away. But that wasn't the worst. Gunning for Jim, the Iceman missed and shot both Simon and Megan. Thank God his aim wasn't any better. If anyone is to blame for all that has happened, it's me. After Brackett had forced Jim and me to help him try to steal a secret spy plane because of the information he read in my Master Thesis, I should have changed the topic of my doctoral paper. It was a warning that I failed to pay heed and a choice I wasn't willing to make. Jim and everyone else has suffered until I made my next choice.
That press conference was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. It wasn't the fact that I was ending my academic career short of its goal. Hell, it's only a piece of paper to put up on the wall and a couple more letters to follow my name. If that's all that some people think matters in my life, they don't know me very well. My study of sentinels, and one Jim Ellison in particular, has evolved far beyond my dissertation. Maybe I didn't want to believe that with the conclusion of my program being so close but I know that now. I had said it before and I'll say it again. It's about friendship. We have one that developed and grew from a tremulous beginning to a very powerful connection.
Good Lord, I was offered three million dollars for the rights to the research! There was even talk of a Nobel Prize. But after seeing how Jim was treated by the press, the public, even his fellow detectives convinced me that no amount of money or fame is worth destroying someone's life. So, I went before the cameras and microphones and declared all my work as fraudulent. It was the right thing to do the only thing to do.
The results of my action were what I expected. No degree and no more duties as a teaching fellow with Rainier. What I really expected was to be barred from ever walking through the doors of Major Crimes. I just knew that I would have my observer papers revoked faster than the way the Chancellor made me persona non gratis at the university. How could I go on being the Shaman of my Sentinel if I wasn't going to be allowed to be with him on a daily basis?
Funny what can happen to your life at the oddest moments. I did lose my observer credentials but then Fate has stepped in once again. I've been offered the opportunity to become a police detective and be Jim's formal and permanent partner after I complete the academy and get some weapons training. Choice time had come again and I've made the only one possible. I know as much as Naomi didn't want to hear it, I really believe it was the right choice again. The new direction of my life starts next week with a haircut and enrollment at the police academy.
The ceremony is almost over. I can just hear the Chancellor reading the names of the doctoral graduates and she's at the S's. I'm letting it go. As Naomi would say, 'detach with love.'
"Hey, Chief."
I turn at the familiar voice and see Jim behind me. How did he know I would be here and how long has he been standing there? I thought I had enough control of our bond to prevent him from finding me today. There is an apprehensive look on his face, something similar to that of a child worried that he's going to be sent from the room for wanting to join the grown ups as they talk.
"Want some company?" he asks, trying to be nonchalant.
I give him a smile and jerk my head to motion him over next to me. The relief is so visible on his face that I almost laugh out loud. I don't need the connection between us to know that he's concerned about me and how I'm handling the scene down below. If he knew how easy I was able to read him now, he'd never play poker with me again.
"You starting to be psychic or something now like Connor believed a few months ago? I thought I could mask my movements for at least a little while." He frowns at me and I know that I was able to hide myself. I know I'm blushing with embarrassment. I'm not supposed to do that anymore. "Sorry about that. I knew you had things to do today, what with Simon still being only on half days and I didn't want to bother you if I happened to get upset by this."
"Sandburg, there has been a time or two that you were a bother but this definitely is not one of them. As many times as you've given me support to handle the rough things that have occurred in my life, I can easily spare time for you now."
I can see the sincerity in his bright blue eyes as he stares intensely at me. He's trying to read me. I can feel the tendrils of his compassion and understanding reach towards me through the bond. "I know, man. But, how did you find me? Naomi's gone, I waited until after you left for the station and didn't tell anyone where I was going. Am I starting to be that predictable?"
"I'm a detective, Chief. I've got years of experience with tracking people down and keeping tabs on you has become a hobby of late." He gives me that knowing smirk of his. I can tell he's trying to make light of the whole situation. Turning his attention to the scene before us, I can almost see the inner struggle he's having. "Besides, I knew what today was. You've had it circled on the calendar ever since we received the new one from the office supply department. Having regrets?"
Those last two words from him sound so humble, pained and a little lost. I thought I had let him know my feelings of the whole situation back at the hospital. I'm speechless that he thinks I'm having second thoughts. When I don't answer, he looks back at me. Opening our bond back up, I let him feel the conviction I have towards believing that I did the right thing a couple of weeks ago. It's the only other way that I know to tell him since words hadn't been able to convince him. He relaxes and gives me one of those dazzling smiles that means 'all is right in the world.'
I turn back to the conclusion of the ceremony. All of the now alumnus have risen and the benediction is being given. With the final 'amen,' the scene turns into chaos as family members stream down from the nearby risers towards the graduates and they in turn scatter to find their relatives.
"I just needed a little closure, Jim. Almost half of my life has been spent in the buildings of this place and I couldn't move on without giving it a last look."
"I was always told that once you make a decision, you should never look back and start thinking about the 'what ifs.' It'll only give you an ulcer, Chief." He pauses and stares down at his hands like they've suddenly become strange. "Have you do you think you'll try to complete the program some day? You put a lot of effort and energy into your paper and I'd really hate to see it all go to waste."
I'm sure my jaw smacked the ground with a resounding bang over that statement but Jim just keeps staring at his hands. He wants me to complete the program? "Jim, I thought we had this conversation at the hospital. It's just a piece of fiction and there's little chance that I'll be allowed into any college, much less Rainier, to complete my doctorate with sentinels as a dissertation topic." He opens his mouth to say something but I don't give him the chance. I grab his shoulder with one hand and hold up my other one. "Wait and let me finish, man. I don't need that piece of paper from the U. to validate all the work that I've done. I have you and that's all I need. Yeah, I'm going to continue documenting your work and progress 'cause I believe that the information will be needed one day. We might be old and gray when it finally gets published but it will get out. I know there has to be more sentinels out there and whoever takes on the duties of trying to help them is going to need some type of manual."
That smile is back on his face and I can see that my words have gotten through to him. I mean what I am saying, too. Alex Barnes is proof that there are other sentinels and I can only hope that she was one of the odd ones that used her abilities criminally. If I can help another with the duty of guiding their sentinel through the hard times that are ahead of them, then all that I've gone through will be worth it. Guiding a sentinel is a strange way of describing what I've been doing for Jim all this time. Brackett had used the term when he broke into the loft and was holding a gun on us. He called me Jim's 'so-called Guide.' I don't know if I like that term. Being the Shaman to my Sentinel sounds more like the partnership we have.
"Chief? Earth to Sandburg. You okay there?"
"Oh, sorry Jim. I was just a little lost in thought. Everything ready for tonight?" Sometimes I could change the subject and he would accept it as my way of not wanting to continue along this line of conversation.
He accepted it this time, too. "Just got the final confirmation from Rafe. He's riding with Henri and they're bringing the beer. Joel said that he'd pick up Simon and it's up to us to swing by Connor's place. As far as everyone thinks, we're just having a little farewell party for you before you go to the academy. You ready for this?"
"I am if you are. It's your idea to bring the others into our little circle. Do you think we really should? Especially after all that has happened?"
Jim turns to me and I can see the determination on his face. Oops, stepped a little too close to the line with that one. I've really got to learn the location of that thing.
"Sandburg, I've already had to tell the Chief and the Commissioner the truth in order for us to be able to offer you your shield. Simon wasn't happy about that but then we started talking about the fact that Joel is really close to knowing the truth anyway-- "
"Megan knows about you already."
"She does? When did that happen?"
"Um, after Peru. She sorta found one of my journals and put two and two together. Nothing I tried to tell her would convince her any different. I'm afraid my skills of obsfucation just aren't what they used to be. I was hoping she would try to question you about everything you did and then "
"And then I would be the one to spill the beans. ~sigh~ It's all right, Chief. Connor is just smarter than most detectives. Eventually, someone was going to figure out what was going on between us." Standing up, Jim casually reaches a hand down to me. Just as easily, I clasp it and allow myself to be pulled to my feet. "I'm just surprised that you're not in favor of letting the guys know about me. Frankly, I think it will help to have them in the know. Might keep you from getting hurt or in trouble so much during our cases."
"I don't need any more babysitters, man. You're bad enough and Simon has started to pick up your bad habit of trying to protect me. Okay, okay, I give. I guess this will fit in with the other changes that are happening. Man, I can't believe that I'm going to get a haircut tomorrow. How short does it have to be?"
"It's not like you're going into the military where you're required to get it all shaved off, Chief. The academy only requires it to be conservative and trim. And it's not like it has to stay that way, either. It will grow back."
"You mean like yours has?" I duck but not quick enough to dodge Jim's hand that connects with the back of my head. We start walking towards the parking lot but I hesitate when I think about another aspect of my new life. "I've just got one thing that we still need to discuss, man. Both you and Simon have said that I have to get weapons training. You know how I feel about guns and this doesn't change anything."
"It is a requirement that you go through the rudimentary training before you can graduate, Sandburg. You do want to be my partner, don't you?"
"I thought I already was, man."
"You know what I mean. Believe it or not, there are several detectives who have never had to fire their weapons since becoming members of the force. It wouldn't bother me one bit if you never had to either. Just knowing that you are there backing me up is all that I need."
"You know I will, Jim. And I have to tell you the one good thing about all this."
"What's that, buddy?"
"You and Simon can never again use the excuse that I'm not a cop to stop me from getting involved with any situation. You don't know how much that used to piss me off."
Jim just laughs and throws his arm across my shoulder and we continue to walk towards our vehicles.
Funny what can happen to your life at the oddest moments. I can see now that every choice I have made in my life has led me to this moment and I'm glad that it has happened. Becoming a detective was the last thing that I ever thought I would be doing when I first started studying sentinels. But I also didn't figure on finding a sentinel and becoming his shaman. It's all been just a matter of choice.
The End