Disclaimer: Not mine. They belong to Pet Fly. No cash, no infringement meant. Please don't sue. I have cats, horses, a husband and no money.
Rated: PG - A little mild language.
Spoilers: Absolutely none.
Feedback welcome at: Nickerbits@nni.com
Author's Comments: This completely silly piece of fiction is Quilty's Auction story. She specified Jim, Blair and a horse. This is what emerged. I'm glad you liked it, Quilty!
Thanks to TAE and Wnnepooh for being so brave as to beta, and to Wolfpup for giving me a home.
Nickerbits
Oh, yeah, this is real fair. Blair mused as he prepared yet again to mount the horse standing quietly beside him. Me and Flicka here get to slog through a hundred miles of the nastiest terrain known to man - my butt and legs will never be the same. Meantime, Jim gets to float lazily down the river, paddling every once in a while if he feels like it, relaxing, soaking up the sunshine... How did I get talked into this?
Sighing, Blair pulled his aching body back into the saddle and urged the sorrel and white pinto into a trot. Now, if only I had a pillow or something for this saddle - it really would make things a little more comfortable.
Damn it, Sandburg! Jim thought as he tripped over yet another rock, stubbing his toe and dropping the canoe in the process. When I agreed to take the canoe portion of this little race, no one bothered to mention that the river was at an all time low, and I'd spend more time portaging than paddling. I'd like to see how far you'd get carrying that nag of yours over these rocks. This was supposed to be easy and relaxing. Instead, I ache from head to toe, I've skinned both my knees, and I still have about another 50 miles of this to go...
"You know, Rookie, that's the sad part about all of this." The horse's mobile ears flicked back as he listened to his rider complain. "It all started so innocently. Jim and I were just joking around - you know the sort of thing I mean. I can do this better than you, I can beat you at that. We do that all the time. What made Simon and Joel decide to take us up on it this time? I'll bet it was the look on Jim's face when I razzed him about moving like he was on a slow boat to China. Of course, he had to pick that time to come back with that line about how his slow boat could beat that horse I rode in on any day. Anyway, that's where you come in, Rookie..."
The horse, unimpressed by Blair's ramblings, continued to trot quietly along, still flicking the occasional ear back to listen.
Finally back in the water, Jim floated along with the river's current. His shoulders hurt much too much from carrying the canoe to even consider paddling it right now.
Simon, Joel, I will personally kill the pair of you when and if this stupid ordeal is ever over. You had to pick up on our joking, didn't you? My slow boat, the horse Blair rode in on... You guys just latched right on to that, didn't you?
Of course, it wouldn't have amounted to anything more than having to put up with some stupid macho urging from you two if you hadn't hit on the idea of "The Great Race for Charity." Picking up his paddle, Jim started to stroke slowly. Speaking of which, if I intend to actually win this thing, I am going to have to start putting some muscle into this. Ouch, ouch, ouch... You guys are dead.
"Let me tell you, Rookie, this was supposed to be a quiet weekend at home for Jim and I. You know - relaxing, watching the Jags? All that good stuff. You would be home in your stall chowing down on some oats or hay or something right now, if it weren't for that whole "Great Race for Charity" thing.
"You see, Simon and Joel couldn't be satisfied with just hassling us. No, they had to come up with this bright idea of getting everyone in the entire station to donate $10, proceeds going to the charity of the winner's choice. That's a lot of money, Rookie. I couldn't just let that go. Don't worry, though. When I win this stupid race, part of the money will go to one of those organizations that finds homes for ex-race horses. The rest will go to Amnesty International. What do you think of that?" Blair continued, looking up from his contemplation of the horse's ears, just in time to catch a branch directly in the face, knocking him out of the saddle and flat on his butt on the ground.
Aw, damn, damn, damn!! Jim thought as he felt his conveyance come to another grinding halt. Another shallow spot? Of course, the river bed is too rocky to just drag the stupid canoe along. That would put holes in it for sure. Just remember, Jim, all that money donated to Rain Forest Rescue in Incacha's name will make you feel better... That and beating Blair's butt, and then killing Joel and Simon. Maybe Rafe and Brown just for good measure. They went along with this whole idea pretty quickly...
Cursing under his breath, Jim was starting to maneuver the unwieldy canoe up on to his shoulders, when he felt his feet slide out from under him, and he landed with a loud splash in the water. Just great!! Now I'm wet too, on top of everything else. Even if he's going to lose, I do hope that Blair's having a better time here than I am.
You know, they're having a drought in this area right now. How come I manage to find the one mud puddle still in existence to land in? Oh, well, at least it cushioned the fall a bit. Last thing in the world my butt needed, though, is a fall off the stupid horse. Standing up, Blair tried futilely to brush the clinging muck off his jeans as he looked around for the animal he was quietly cursing.
Spotting the now familiar red and white coat a short way off, Blair approached to find that his mount was much more interested in cropping the succulent grass than in running for home. Thank God for small favors.
"Hey, Rookie, you ready to get going again? We'll be stopping for the night real soon, though. Lucky for us, race hours are set at 7am to 7pm. Keeps Jim from using those Sentinel senses of his to keep going all night when the rest of us mortals just can't see. We should finish this thing tomorrow." Blair gingerly settled himself back in the saddle.
Oh, man, oh man - and you didn't think that your butt could hurt any worse did you? Ow, ow, ow. When we get home, I am gonna brain everyone in Major Crimes - they all egged this stupid thing on. Right after that, I'm gonna go buy one of those gel pads they make for hemorrhoid sufferers. Maybe two or three - it would have to help.
Finally, Jim Ellison thought as he beached his canoe and quickly set up camp for the night. Of course, with the current drought conditions, camp fires are prohibited in the park. Given the way the rest of this excursion is going, I would have bet on that one. No hot meal, no coffee, temperature's dropping too. And I didn't bring anything to eat along because I was going to catch my own dinner, live off the land and all that. No camp stove for me, nope. I was gonna grill my own fresh caught trout over an open fire. Somehow, the thought of raw fish just isn't all that appealing.
Forcing himself to move, Jim began searching the woods for edibles. Come on, Ellison. You're a former Ranger. Surely you can come up with something a little more appetizing than still flopping fish for dinner. Damn - it's too late in the season for berries, no fruit trees. Lots of insects though.
Picking up a large cricket, Jim stared at it for a moment, watching as it waved its antennas at him. You know, I'm not that hungry yet. I can wait until tomorrow to eat... Of course, I didn't bring changes of clothes either. Less to carry during portages. I really hope that Sandburg is having a better time than I am, and that he remembered to pack something warm to wear, and some trail mix to munch on.
"God, Rookie, it's really starting to get cold out here. No camp fires allowed either. At least I remembered to bring some trail mix along. I wonder how Jim's making out. He was gonna live off the land, you know. Of course, you don't seem to be having any trouble with that. Lots of grass if nothing else. I guess Jim can always graze if he gets really hungry. ~snort~
"Got dry clothes, too. Puts me two up on Ellison at the moment. Gotta enjoy it, Rookie, it just doesn't happen that often. Geez, it's getting cold, though. How come horses won't lie next to you at night and share body heat like dogs do? Oh, well. I just need to make it through tonight. I've got warm clothes, I've got food, this will all be over, and tomorrow I'll have a nice hot shower, a warm meal and one of the afore mentioned gel pads. It really could be worse. Oh, God. Please tell me that wasn't a raindrop I just felt..."
Raining. Of course it's raining. It's almost like someone up there is adding insult to injury on this one. Hey, there - we won't give you enough water to actually float your canoe on, but we will rain hard so you can be nice and wet anyway. At least it looks like this river is going to stay deep enough to actually use my canoe as intended for the next couple of miles. Maybe even to the finish. Stroking smoothly, Jim looked back at the bank. We are getting close to the end. There's where Blair's trail joins up with the river. And look ~chuckle~, could that drowned rat actually be Sandburg? The horse looks less wretched than he does...
Focused as he was on the amusing sight of his soaked and miserable roommate, Jim didn't register the increasing sound of rushing water ahead of him. Nor did he notice the small waterfall, created by the low water levels, until his canoe slid over it sideways, and struck the large rock at the bottom, catapulting him in to the water again.
Oh, damn! At least I'm wet already...
"Cold and wet is my world. Tell me, Rookie, how do I keep ending up in these situations? The forecast was for beautiful weather all weekend. Put Blair Sandburg in an outdoor setting, though, and that goes right down the tubes. At least this race is almost over. At this point I don't care if I win as much as if I survive it. Don't you worry, though. Your owner, Cathy, has promised to meet you at the finish line with a nice, warm bran mash. You've earned it, Rookie. Now come on, let's finish up.
"Hey, look - that's Jim over there. He's certainly looking pretty amused for someone who's every bit as wet as I am... Ohmigod! Jim! Look out! You're about to go over a waterfall!
"Ohmigod! He's in the river! Sorry, Rookie, but I gotta make sure he's okay - he could've hit his head on that rock or something! Wait here - I'll be right back!" Diving off the horse, straight into the river, Blair stroked toward his friend, reaching him just as Jim surfaced, sputtering for air. "Are you okay, Jim? I saw you go over that waterfall, and I was afraid you'd hurt yourself when you crashed."
"I'm fine, Junior. I appreciate you coming to make sure I was okay, though. And I hate to tell you this, Sandburg, but it looks like your horse has decided the finish line is more appealing than waiting for you. He must be able to smell that bran mash as well as I can.
"Without your mount, I don't think you're going to be able to officially finish this race. Looks like that cash is going to Rain Forest Rescue."
"Uh, Jim," Blair laughed, "I hate to tell you this, but your canoe has been making it's merry way to the finish line ever since you fell out of it. Looks like neither one of us is going to 'officially' finish this race. What say we get out of this river, into some dry clothes, and we split the money between our charities?"
"Sounds good to me, Chief. And next time I agree to anything like this, please just shoot me first."
"Same here, Jim, same here."
Fin