Warnings: The story you are about to read is my take on how TPTB at the UPN network could have written the episode, The Sentinel by Blair Sandburg. This is NOT directed at any particular individual. I have done my best to offend every group possible with this particular piece. If I have forgotten anyone, please let me know right away and I'll be sure to add an offensive update right away. The names have been changed to protect the guilty. Let the rock throwing begin as the author ducks for cover!
Thanks: To Kim for giving this a quick look, for Carole for the idea about Option 5. To the whole group that was present for that initial SA-Chat who are responsible for putting this sick idea in my head in the first place.
Email: Trishbsc@aol.com
Trishbsc
How PUN Network selected the story line for TS by BS
Dean St Patrick's Day sat down on his throne in his office at the PUN Network. He waved a hand at his Court Jester, Tom Onion, "Send in the next applicant. The final episode is supposed to air in two weeks and we need a story line."
"Yes, Master," Jester Tom answered bowing as he reached for the door to let in the next applicant.
OPTION 1
"Hello, your Majesty," said the next storywriter as he approached the throne dressed nicely in a sweater and Dockers. "Here's my story. The publisher and the evil school administrators leaked Sandburg's dissertation to the press. Blair quickly calls a press conference and declares that the story was a work of fiction that was falsely presented by the publisher and the school because it would bring them money if people thought it was his real dissertation. Jim is also present at the press conference, supporting the story because he was to get 50 percent of the book sales and produces a doctored contract to support their case. Sid and Dean Edwards are sent to jail for their roles. The book is sold to Bam-Bam books. Jim and Blair retire to the Bahamas on the Royalties."
"Off with his head. I hate happy endings. We must jerk our viewers around. Treat them like the trash they are. Send in the next writer," Dean St Patrick's Day ordered.
OPTION 2
The next writer was a nice looking woman. She approached the throne, looking down her nose as Dean St Patrick's Day stuck his hand down his pants. Shaking her head, she started her story. "Here's my idea. The publisher and the evil school administrators leaked Sandburg's dissertation to the press. Jim discovers that Blair is about to sacrifice his career by declaring himself a fraud at a press conference. Jim calls his own press conference first and publicly declares himself to be a Sentinel. The Police Commissioner is so angry, because all of Jim's cases must now be review, he fires Jim immediately. Blair gets his Ph.D. and is offered a teaching position at Rainier in addition to 3 million dollars and the Nobel Prize. Jim has to declare bankruptcy because he no longer has a job, and Blair kicks him to the curb for all the rudeness from Jim that he had to put up with for the last three years. The government picks up Jim and turns him into a lab rat before having him dissected."
"Not bad, but I think all the criminals that Ellison has put away are released due to technicalities. They come after Sandburg and blow him away because Jim isn't around to protect him anymore."
"You can't kill Blair. I withdraw my story," the incensed women responded as she stalked away from the throne. Dean St Patrick's Day watched the woman's assets as she headed out the door, scratching himself.
"Damn, that one had potential. Send in the next writer," ordered Dean St Patrick's Day.
OPTION 3
The next writer was an even nicer looking woman. She approached the throne, looking down her nose as Dean St Patrick's Day stuck his hand down his pants. Shaking her head, she started her story, "Here's the way it goes. The publisher and the evil school administrators leaked Sandburg's dissertation to the press. Blair quickly calls a press conference and declares that the dissertation is a fraud. The University kicks Blair to the curb. Cascade PD doesn't let him observe any longer. Jim is still angry with Blair for being sloppy with the dissertation and throws him out of the loft. Blair is left to wander the streets of Cascade, telling the other homeless people all about his travels until the Student Loan Gestapo arrests him as a result of the loans defaulting and put him in a work camp."
"Nope, not enough violence, no explosions, unacceptable. Take her to my chambers. I'll expect a rewrite before bedtime," ordered Dean St Patrick's Day. "Next victim, I mean writer."
OPTION 4
"Hello, your Majesty," said the next storywriter as he approached the throne, dressed nicely in a three piece suit with a tie. "Here's my story. The publisher and the evil school administrators leaked Sandburg's dissertation to the press. Blair and Jim put their heads together and call a meeting with Dean Edwards and the publisher. They threaten both parties with a massive lawsuit. The school was forced to give Blair his Ph.D. since they had no right to present the material and Blair never actually submitted the dissertation. The publisher was forced to call his own press conference out of fear of being sued, stating that he knew it was a work of fiction before giving it to the newspapers. Blair becomes a case consultant to the PD because he still refuses to carry a gun, but he remains Jim's partner."
Dean St Patrick's Day thought for a moment before answering, "It's legal, it's logical, makes perfect sense, most of our viewers would probably love it. Hmmm, draw and quarter him. This is television for God's sake. We don't do logical here and we never make sense."
OPTION 5
"So you're the head honcho around here," said the next storywriter as he, wearing mud-caked combat boots, swaggered down the red carpet to the throne. He was dressed completely in camouflage, with a tattoo on one arm that spelled NRA, sporting a buzz cut and carrying an AK- 47. "Here's my story. That wimpy hippie looking kid's dissertation gets leaked to the press. Ellison, that idiot who can't hold onto his gun like a real man can, gets his butt fired by those paper-pushing bureaucrats. The Sun-Rise patriots, my personal heroes, are released on a technicality. They take their revenge against the people at Cascade PD by blowing up the station. Those representatives of the lesser races and those foreigners in Major Crimes are all killed in the explosion that makes the bomb at the World Trade Center look like a firecracker. When Ellison and Sandburg show up for the funeral, they are also blown up in another series of explosions."
Dean St Patrick's Day jumped up from his throne shouting, "Wonderful, I love it! We'll do it!"
A thin man hiding in the corner of the room interrupted him. "I'm sorry, Sir. As the Network Accountant, I must tell you that the cost of such an episode is much too high. I cannot approve the expenditure."
Rolling his eyes, Dean St. Patrick's Day said, "Why don't you take the idea to the Coyote network. They will pay for just about anything."
Before leaving the room, the storywriter pumped 57 holes into the accountant.
"There goes a man who should be the head of a network," muttered Dean St Patrick's Day. "Send in the next one."
OPTION 6
The next writer to step forward was a small mousy looking man, carrying a briefcase. "Hello, I'm here representing the FAX network. We are interested in the rights to make new original episodes, but there have to be some minor changes. We would like to make this whole past season a dream of Blair Sandburg. He wakes up in the hospital after Alex drowns him in the fountain. Jim is by his side apologizing for his very bad behavior during the previous few episodes. Blair forgives him, but doesn't go back to the loft. We can't have two men living together on any show on our network. It is simply unacceptable. Gives people the wrong idea. Blair moves back on campus to finish his degree but continues to ride with Jim as an observer. Excuse me what is so funny?"
Dean St Patrick's Day is laughing so hard, that he falls to the floor. Tom Onion quietly whispers to the writer, "Run for your life. Before he gets control of himself."
The poor man turns and runs for the door without looking back.
"What network in its right mind would wipe out a whole season of episodes as a dream sequence. Send in the next one," Dean St Patrick's Day ordered.
OPTION 7
The next writer was a long hair man accompanied by a good-looking woman. Both were dressed in tie dyed clothes. They approached the throne. The male speaks first, "Wow, cool place dude. Here's our vision. The money-hungry publisher and the greedy school establishment leaked Sandburg's dissertation to the press. Blair quickly calls a press conference and declares that the dissertation is a fraud. The University throws Blair out. Jim goes to the Head Pig trying to get the PD to hire Blair as a consultant. He admits that he really is a Sentinel. Blair lied to protect him. The Head Pig is so angry at not being told before, he immediately demands the guy's resignation."
The woman continues explaining, "Both men sell everything they own and head for South America where those cool Chopec people live. There they study the ways of the Ancient Sentinel and Guides, wearing those cute little loincloths and body paint. Blair becomes a Shaman using all those cool weeds and things so they go on spiritual journeys together."
"No, no no, men in loincloths appeal only to women. We are trying to attract the male audience to the network. Everyone knows it the males in the households who control all the money. Women have no opinions, they will watch whatever their man tells them too. Have the lions been fed yet today?"
"No, your Majesty," answered Tom Onion.
"Take these writers to them."
"Cool, I like animals," said the male on his way out the side door.
"Send in the next one," Dean St Patrick's Day said, shaking his head.
The court jester stepped forward. "There are no more writers."
"Well, I guess I'll have to decide. My decision is," proclaimed Dean St Patrick's Day "We shall have Blair Sandburg, sacrifice his career by declaring himself a fraud. Jim will be his typical male self. This should tick off those bothersome internet fan fiction people. It will keep them arguing among themselves, leaving me free to destroy the series completely," Dean St Patrick's Day evilly laughed as he scratched himself again.
The End.