Warnings: PG-13, This is a short story that came to my mind after reading DawnC's wonderful story, 'Soul of Mine'. I finally got around to asking permission to write it down and share it. If you haven't read that story, this one will make no sense whatsoever. So read that one first, just have several boxes of kleenex handy, okay! It's a wonderful story, but quite the tearjerker. Umm, come to think of it, this one may generate a few tears, too.
The URL of the story is http://members.tripod.com/~Methos_5000/youngagain.html
Disclaimer: They are not mine. They still belong to Pet Fly, Paramount and Sci-fi. But when I win the lottery, I have high hopes.
Thanks Dawn for allowing me to write this and to Zerena and Kim for editing for me. Any remaining errors are mine.
Email: Trishbsc@aol.com
Trishbsc
The dark sedan turned right, entering the quiet cemetery. It had only been a week since the second headstone was placed next to the first. This was the first trip Simon had made to the memorial since the small ceremony, when a small portion of Jimmy's ashes had been scattered here. Like little Blair's, the majority of his ashes had been scattered into the ocean where he and little Blair had experienced their last happy moments together.
It took a few minutes to reach the isolated site. Jim and Blair had deliberately selected a plot for the two little boys in the back, near a small wooded area that was not owned by the cemetery and because it was considered 'old growth', the area would never be cleared. The boys hadn't been allowed outside during the majority of the lives. They had been confined within the building at the camp where they had been created. Somehow, it was fitting that they be laid to rest in this beautiful wooded area.
Simon put the car into park and picked up the small bag from the front seat. He had stopped by the mall on his lunch hour, looking for a present for his son's upcoming birthday. When he had seen them sitting in the small basket next to the cash register, he knew he had to buy them.
He got out of the car and walked up the small slope where the two tiny headstones stood apart from all the others. He knelt down between the two. He turned and ran his hand over the name on the first tombstone, 'Blair, Little Wolf'. Reaching out, he started to pull away the few weeds that had sprung up in front of the marker.
As he worked, he started to talk, "None of us had as much time with the two of you as we would have liked, but you made such an impact on our lives in the brief time you spent with us. We'll remember the two of you for a long time to come."
Simon paused as he brushed away a solitary tear from his cheek as the memories from the past two weeks flooded his mind. Images of little Blair beating the daylights out of him at chess in his office flashed across his mind along with the memory of the two boys curled up together on the couch, sleeping peacefully after Blair had broken his arm.
"During the time I spent with you, I could see the gifts that were given to Blair at birth. It was so easy to see exactly what shaped the man he has become. Even as a child... he... you... put the needs and the well-being of others before his... yours." Even now Simon still had a hard time in figuring out how to refer to the little clone versus the original adult.
"When I'd take my son, Daryl to the zoo when he was younger and give him money to spend, he would always buy some toy he wanted. Most children are like that, but not you. You buy a present for a man you had only known for less than a day, had only spoken with for a few minutes."
Simon finished clearing away the weeds surrounding the graves and sat back on his heels. "I've never met anyone like you or Blair. This urge to help others, the vast store of knowledge, the curiosity to understand everything around you, it was all there even though you were a child. I understand the Blair Sandburg I know today so much better because of the brief time I spent with you and for that, I'm grateful."
More than anything, Simon wished he could wrap his hands around the throat of the man who had instigated this project. The idea of creating clones, Sentinels and Guides, and keeping them as pawns in some governmental game was abhorrent.
"The end of your lives was filled with so much pain. I wish it hadn't ended like that. Doctor Jones was wrong, you should've been born. You made a difference in our lives and that's all any of us can ask for, that we mattered to someone during our lives."
Simon leaned over and placed a small white stone on top of the headstone. It was smooth and clear with the word 'Peace' engraved on the face. He ran his hand over the stone one more time before he turned to face the other small marker.
"Jimmy, I also saw in you the beginnings of the man Jim Ellison has become in the last few years. I wonder what Jim's life would have been like if he had found his Guide sooner, like you did." Simon much preferred the 'after Sandburg' Jim, but he respected the man Ellison had been. For some reason, Jim had allowed Simon to see the scars inflicted on him, first by his parents, then by the military and finally by Carolyn.
Simon pondered on what could've happened if Jim had found Blair when he was a child. Jim probably wouldn't have become the lone wolf he had been when Simon had first become his Captain. The changes in him since meeting Blair have been nothing short of miraculous. The walls Jim had built around himself were so thick and high, nothing Simon tried had reached him. He was lost in the coldness and the isolation he had created for himself.
Simon leaned over to touch the carving at the top of the headstone. "You know, I don't think he was ever truly happy inside during his entire life before meeting Sandburg. Even when he was married to Carolyn, it was as if he was missing something. He only existed from day to day, there was no happiness or joy. He found that missing part of himself when he met Blair. I wish we could've helped you, but I understand why we couldn't. You never had the chance to find your own happiness."
Simon placed a small gray colored stone upon the headstone. It was polished and engraved with the word 'Happiness' on the face. He climbed back to his feet, crumbling up the bag, which had contained his gift to the two special children who affected him and his friends so strongly in so short a time.
"The card at the store said you will get whatever the stone says, just like the one you got me at the zoo, Blair. So, you both should get in death what you didn't have during life. I wish I could know for sure, though."
Simon heard a rustling in the bushes over to his left. Out of a small thicket, burst a small coyote pup. He rolled out, head over tail and was quickly pounced upon by a lynx kitten, which bounded out from the same thicket. Simon stood amazed as he watched the two animals play together for a moment. Wrestling and pulling on the other's ears and tails.
As he stared at them, they seemed to recognize they were being watched. They settled down as the kitten rested its head on the pup's back and both were soon staring back at Simon. After a moment, the coyote pup howled and the lynx purred at him. Simon blinked his eyes, not believing what he was witnessing. In that split second, the two animals disappeared and Simon wasn't sure if it had really happened.
He sighed. "I guess that's answer enough. Thank you, I didn't really understand the power of this Sentinel and Guide relationship before. Not until I saw the two of you together, a parallel to the adults I know and saw what you would've become in time."
Simon climbed to his feet and stared down at the graves. His thoughts wandering into dangerous territory. What would happen to his friends, if one should lose the other? Can a Sentinel survive the loss of his Guide or vice versa? Was Jimmy's suicide the result of the two little clones being raised together or because they were a Sentinel and Guide pairing?"
When Jim had told him at the funeral, the exact circumstances of little Jimmy's death, the first thought that had come to his mind was would Jim do the same if anything happened to Blair? He didn't like the answer he had come up with, which was a firm 'Yes'. Not that Jim would eat his gun, but it would be very easy for him to be killed in the line of duty.
He spoke aloud his greatest fear. Words he could never bring himself to say to the two men who should hear them. "I can't imagine the pain I would feel if I lost either one of them. I don't even want to contemplate losing them both. They've both become good friends in the last few years. Somehow, somewhere along the line, the boundary between being their friend and being their Captain was lost. My life would be poorer without them."
Simon turned to head for his car. As he started to leave, the joyous howl of the coyote and the happy cry of a cat pierced the silence of the grounds. Sentinel and Guide were together and in the end that was all that mattered. Simon smiled, his heart lightened by the peace he had found this day. "Rest in peace, little ones and be happy," were his parting words whispered to the wind.
A few hours later
Simon was already sitting at his desk, hard at work when Jim knocked on the office door.
"Enter," Simon answered gruffly. He stared at the two men who entered his office. Each had red-rimmed eyes with dark circles underneath. Both men managed a small smile as they entered, but the emotion evident in their eyes spoke otherwise.
Jim and Blair slipped quietly into the office and assumed their normal positions, Jim sitting in the chair in front of the desk and Blair leaning against the table.
"I thought I told the two of you to take the rest of the week off. There's nothing vital going on around here right now," Simon said.
"We know and we're grateful. We needed the time, but we just were out... we saw and realized... we didn't notice... we should've noticed..." As hard as he tried, Jim couldn't get the right words out.
Blair took over the conversation, getting his partner off the hook. "Jim and I were just out at the cemetery. We noticed your gift and remembered we're not the only ones who're being affected by their deaths."
Simon's gaze shifted to the small white stone that held a place of honor on the bookcase shelf against the far wall of his office, before returning his eyes to his men. "How did you... never mind, who else could it have been, right?"
"We just wanted to say thanks, Simon and make sure you were doing all right. We've been so busy dealing with our own grief, we forgot that you spent almost as much time with them as we did and must be feeling the loss too," Jim finally stammered out.
Simon thought for a moment before answering, trying to decide if now was the best time to discuss his concerns. He decided this was the best opening he would have. "I'll admit, I'm having a very difficult time with this. Partly because they died so young, but also because it has me thinking about the two of you and what would happen if..."
"If one of us died, what would happen to the other," Blair finished for him.
Simon nodded as he leaned back in his chair. "Do you have an answer?"
"Not one that we're sure of and probably isn't what you'd like to hear," Jim answered honestly.
"We know a Sentinel needs a Guide. Without one, he'll be lost in the barrage of stimuli that you and I filter out or take for granted. During our time together, we proved pretty convincingly that when in a zone, Jim responds best to my voice. He uses my heartbeat as an anchor. If I wasn't here, it's possible, he would zone so deeply that we don't believe anyone would draw him out of it. You and Megan have both filled in on the short term, but neither of you have an easy time pulling him out of zones," Blair explained.
"And what of the Guide, if he lost his Sentinel?" Simon asked, bluntly.
"I can't see a long and happy life for me without Jim," Blair responded.
"You had a life before meeting Jim, as a student and a teacher." Simon stated.
Jim remained silent. He and Blair had discussed this issue at length the past few nights. He didn't like the idea that Blair wouldn't make it without him, but nothing he had said affected Blair's convictions on the possibility.
"I existed, Simon. It's not the same as having a life. I knew something was missing. I was searching all the time for it, knowing my life was lacking something. Even now, I don't know for sure what was missing, just that I found it when I met Jim."
"Missing?"
"Yes, I'm not sure if it was a Guide searching for a Sentinel, a student searching for a dissertation subject, or Blair Sandburg searching for a brother. Maybe it's some combination of all of these. For once, I'm not going to analyze something to death. I'm just going to accept it."
Simon glared at Jim, expecting him to say something. The Ellison he knew wouldn't accept this without a fight. Jim matched the glare, sky blue eyes meeting brown. "Don't look at me, Simon. I've talked 'til I'm blue in the face on this subject with him."
Blair tried to find the words to explain to the Captain what he believed. "Simon, I believe, as does Jim when pushed, that Sentinel and Guide are soul-bonded, soulmates. Our lives are inextricably intertwined. We accept that. In general, we are very happy with the idea. We'll do our best to keep something from happening to the other, but that's all we can do. You have to understand no one can live a full and happy life with only half a soul. Neither one of us plans on doing anything like Jimmy did, so you don't have to worry about that, but I'm not sure how alive either one of us would be if something happened to the other."
Jim nodded in agreement as Blair finished speaking. It was the truth, even if he didn't like it.
Simon silently added his own vow to help keep these two men safe. His gaze again fell on the small white stone on his bookcase. Joy, his life had been happier since the ex-Army Ranger and the scruffy Anthropologist had become his friends. He thought for a moment before asking the next question, "I don't suppose either of you would care to explain why I would see a coyote pup and lynx kitten playing at the grave site?"
Jim and Blair exchanged glances before answering. They, too, had seen the spirit animals of Jimmy and little Blair at the gravesite during their own visit and found peace at the idea that even after death, Sentinel and Guide would remain together. They turned back to face Simon, saying simultaneously, "I don't think so."
Simon's glare caused them to reconsider.
"How about stopping by the loft tonight and over a beer we'll tell you a story about a wolf and a jaguar," Jim proposed with a grin.
"Several beers, and then, the story of how the little wolf got his name and the lynx," Blair added with a chuckle.
Simon smiled back. Friendship would get them through this, as it had gotten them through everything else.
The End